17 More Days

Oh My Fucking God ~ that's like my first expression in regards to my coming B'day. I'm so scared of coming into age, the whole -I'm getting older- thing is totally screwing my moral senses [if I had any]. I don't exactly know what to say or how to behave, yet it's screwing up my mind. Even in these days I feel that I have been very very mellow, more than I usually have. Because I feel that or at least I think I feel that everything has begun to be too much to handle. Believe me, it's not about I can't handle anything because I totally can but it's just sometimes I wish that GOD didn't trust me that much.

I even keep re-thinking almost everything that I have done in the past, whether I regret them or not. And I thought about almost everything, from happiness to love to sorrow to grief and to anything that relates to my life ~ the life that I have been living. If there's one thing or two that I've learnt from the life that I have been living and particularly since the "China incident" ~ those things are:

1. Giving up doesn't always mean that I am weak, sometimes it means that I am strong enough to let go.

2. I believe that part of loving is learning to let go.

And those two things that I've learnt relate to all my aspects of life. Actually, it really scares me to death how I think that I have been more mature these past years because "mature" was never my thing ~ I know I'm mature and I have always been mature if it requires me to do so, but I have never wanted to be recognized as a "mature person" because I believe from that point people that we love that matter to us, will start giving us false beliefs. I don't think it's wrong for them to have those beliefs because in truth they just really care and more importantly LOVE who we are or who we might have become.

Because if there's anything that I've learned about growing up, it never was a "natural" thing, for me personally, it's a pressure ~ a heartbreaking process, because after all this time, I believe that I have never grown to be"mature" naturally, the situation and condition require me to do so and it's foolish of me because I didn't rebel, I just acted the way they wanted me to. And my question is "is this part of growing up?" ~ because if it really is, I don't want to be any part of it, yet here I am being trapped in very same situation that I've been babbling about. The next question to myself is "can I avoid all of this?"

Yes, I'm going to get a year older in 17 days and I'm grateful that I'm still alive but can't a B'day be a sign of Celebration instead of Growing Up? I know it's a celebration, what I mean is that I want it to be a "Celebration With No Strings Attached" ~ and yes I do feel the selfishness in that sentence. I really can't help it, selfish has always been a part of who I am. Actually, it's more of a "won't" than "can't" if you know what I'm saying.

I'm gonna be honest and I know I have to be because this blog of mine is where I pour everything inside of my mind and my heart. These past months, it seems to me that everything is too good to be true and I fear [not scared] of the sacrifices that I have to make later on, assuming there will be. Last time, it cost me my family - my father. I'm not saying I blame myself for his death, clearly not, but there's a part of me that always wonders whether I should've known better.

And yet here I'm wanting to stop myself from blabbering. I just wonder if this a part of my own aging process or I simply just worry too much. Whatever the result might be, I hope it's gonna be a positive impact for me, everyone, and everything else that have been going in my life.

PS: I'm gonna take a shower now ~ until then ~ xoxo