I've Not Only Won The Battle But Also The War

HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa *Evil Satanic Laugh*

I haven't been upset for a while and have been totally clueless of almost everything but again I'm not sad because I have been indulging myself in reading certain fan-fictions for this whole week, add that to the fact that I've been playing and carrying around my new BlackBerry Bold ~ yeah, I got a Bold for my B'day present, it's an early B'day present from my sisters and brother, totally in love with it ~ and feeling grateful. Then again, this certain fan-fictions have also been helping me to ease off my mind for whatever problems that have been shoved to my face and surprisingly this method has been working very well. I guess it's also a part of my ignorance personality, then again I don't really care about animosity that certain people have or had against me. As I have said over and over again, in this life, there's always a group of people who always love you and there will be a un-important person who hate you for no apparent reason.

Well, for whoever that hates me, I'll take that as a compliment because I personally think that kind of gesture [the hating thing] is a sign of extreme admiration ~ I'm sure there's only a thin red line between Love and Hate. I believe I have enough dramas in my life and I won't be so pleased to add another and while I'm trying to survive through all the dramas in my life, I'm really sure that I don't have the time to think about other people's business, that's also why I believe with all my mind that other people also have their own dramas in their lives. For that certain person who's able to hold grudges or hate me for reasons that I'll never understand, for me it's totally flattering, why? Simple! I'm sure that certain person also has his/her own dramas, and he/she's still thinking about me, hating me, holding grudges towards me, and yet I never really give a shit ~ isn't it just another drama-addition in his/her life? Personally for me, I'm totally flattered that he/she's still thinking about me, regardless of his/her thoughts being negative or positive, while he/she's still struggling living his/her own life. That's why I think it's called an individual's extreme admiration and I'm totally grateful if I could be a part of it.

Back to basics, the reason that I'm writing this topic at the moment is solely because I do know there's one certain person who hated me and held grudges towards me for reasons that I never know and to be honest, I have never bothered myself to even care. This certain case has been going on for the past 3 weeks and I seriously have never given a damn about it, I did give a thought about it for the first time but then I decided not to bother myself to think about his/her "whole-angry-hating-thing" to me, I think that particular he/she's just looking for my attention, to the extreme measure of course.

And miracle happens today or at least that miracle happens to me. That certain he/she asked for my time, asking whether I was busy or not, and being me ~ practicing the whole humble & noble thing ~ I certainly said that I wasn't busy. Then... *drum roll* that he/she started to cry while asking my forgiveness, that he/she also gave me reasons [that I really didn't understand] why he/she was angry to me and hated me for that particular of time. And then finally, that he/she decided to hug me asking for forgiveness while still crying and to appreciate that person, of course I accepted the hug and I said "It's OK, I have forgiven you."

Never seen the humble side of me? Well, I believe I wasn't entirely myself for that moment. But, let's forget the whole asking for forgiveness thing because I never really care that much, I mean I do forgive that certain person, but that won't lessen me from being more careful and more importantly, it won't lessen me for being who I am ~ because I still got that vindictive in me and still got that dirrty degree and if you want some more nasty ~ still got that freak in me [And yes, I'm quoting "Still Dirrty" by Christina Aguilera, great song! by the way].

To my conclusion, it's always what it's been: people can fuck with me I don't give a shit but not my Family [it goes both for my best friends and my blood-related family]. In the end, I'm still the champion ~ The Warrior Prince [my self-given nickname, it's kinda cheesy I know but I still love it, FYI: based on Xena Warrior Princess]. And I can't stop smiling happily because I know that I've not only won the battle but I've also won the WAR. I didn't even declare the war, it's that he/she who declared the war against me and clearly that he/she has LOST against me. To tell the truth, I didn't even bother to make any move.

PS: Why this certain person did what he/she did ~ is beyond my understanding.

You Know You Love Me

XoXo

17 More Days

Oh My Fucking God ~ that's like my first expression in regards to my coming B'day. I'm so scared of coming into age, the whole -I'm getting older- thing is totally screwing my moral senses [if I had any]. I don't exactly know what to say or how to behave, yet it's screwing up my mind. Even in these days I feel that I have been very very mellow, more than I usually have. Because I feel that or at least I think I feel that everything has begun to be too much to handle. Believe me, it's not about I can't handle anything because I totally can but it's just sometimes I wish that GOD didn't trust me that much.

I even keep re-thinking almost everything that I have done in the past, whether I regret them or not. And I thought about almost everything, from happiness to love to sorrow to grief and to anything that relates to my life ~ the life that I have been living. If there's one thing or two that I've learnt from the life that I have been living and particularly since the "China incident" ~ those things are:

1. Giving up doesn't always mean that I am weak, sometimes it means that I am strong enough to let go.

2. I believe that part of loving is learning to let go.

And those two things that I've learnt relate to all my aspects of life. Actually, it really scares me to death how I think that I have been more mature these past years because "mature" was never my thing ~ I know I'm mature and I have always been mature if it requires me to do so, but I have never wanted to be recognized as a "mature person" because I believe from that point people that we love that matter to us, will start giving us false beliefs. I don't think it's wrong for them to have those beliefs because in truth they just really care and more importantly LOVE who we are or who we might have become.

Because if there's anything that I've learned about growing up, it never was a "natural" thing, for me personally, it's a pressure ~ a heartbreaking process, because after all this time, I believe that I have never grown to be"mature" naturally, the situation and condition require me to do so and it's foolish of me because I didn't rebel, I just acted the way they wanted me to. And my question is "is this part of growing up?" ~ because if it really is, I don't want to be any part of it, yet here I am being trapped in very same situation that I've been babbling about. The next question to myself is "can I avoid all of this?"

Yes, I'm going to get a year older in 17 days and I'm grateful that I'm still alive but can't a B'day be a sign of Celebration instead of Growing Up? I know it's a celebration, what I mean is that I want it to be a "Celebration With No Strings Attached" ~ and yes I do feel the selfishness in that sentence. I really can't help it, selfish has always been a part of who I am. Actually, it's more of a "won't" than "can't" if you know what I'm saying.

I'm gonna be honest and I know I have to be because this blog of mine is where I pour everything inside of my mind and my heart. These past months, it seems to me that everything is too good to be true and I fear [not scared] of the sacrifices that I have to make later on, assuming there will be. Last time, it cost me my family - my father. I'm not saying I blame myself for his death, clearly not, but there's a part of me that always wonders whether I should've known better.

And yet here I'm wanting to stop myself from blabbering. I just wonder if this a part of my own aging process or I simply just worry too much. Whatever the result might be, I hope it's gonna be a positive impact for me, everyone, and everything else that have been going in my life.

PS: I'm gonna take a shower now ~ until then ~ xoxo

What Is This ?

Oh My Fucking God ~ it does hurt and I do feel the pain. Rasanya saya sudah mau tiduran di ranjang sambil memeluk guling and selimutan setiap hari. Saking desperatenya, saya pun jadi menulis blog ini dengan Bahasa Indonesia, hopefully masih tetap dengan pola bahasa yang baik dan teratur.

Saya tidak tahu menahu kenapa beberapa hari ini saya sangat boring sekali. And saya sudah sampai mendengarkan lagu Taylor Swift - Teardrops On My Guitar - 273 kali. Saya merasa bahwa beberapa part dari lagu ini dapat mewakilkan apa yang saya rasakan belakangan and saat ini. Saya juga merasa tiba-tiba sekali bahwa saya menulis blog ini dengan segala kelebaian yang pernah terjadi. Saya kayaknya itu sedang merasa gundah sekaligus termenung [I don't know whether -termenung- can be adjective or not] and kenapa saya menulis blog ini seperti saya sedang melakoni sinetron? Saya pun merasa lucu sendiri -- bukan lucu sih, tetapi sedih karena saya sudah seperti -dead end- lagi susah cari jalan keluar.

Mungkin ini cuma another session of my mellow time, tapi kenapa kali ini saya merasa berbeda ya? Kayaknya ada something dibalik semuanya ini ~ everything happens for a reason ~ lagi-lagi saya mengutip Cinta Laura ~ I personally think she's amazing yet unbelievable.

Apa mungkin saya gundah seperti ini karena saya sedang merasa Datang Matahari? Aduh...kejayusan saya pun sudah muncul / terbentuk [pengaruh 1 org yang We Know Who ~ no offense to that person, he's a nice guy and a forever good friend of mine] ~ and jujur saja saya tidak merasa lucu akan hal tersebut. Saya sendiri bingung kenapa saya sebegitu susahnya mengeluarkan feelings saya, apa mungkin ya saya merasa ada sesuatu yang tidak beres? Saat-saat begini paling baik kalo saya bisa sihir betulan kayak Charmed/Harry Potter.

Ya Tuhanku -- tolong bantu saya -- berikanlah saya hikmat dan kekuatan untuk mengatasi all my negative feelings. Saya yakin saya sudah benar-benar desperate sekarang karena saya bawa nama Tuhan saya Jesus Christ dalam bentuk Bahasa Indonesia. Kemarin pun saya sudah selesai kejar tayang -Kabut Cinta- 46 episodes dalam waktu semalam saja and saya merasa bahwa kehampaan ini semakin bertambah. This emptiness is practically killing me inside out.

I Feel That I Need To Write About That Blog

I'm going to talk about my previous blog of "My Happy Ending" because 2 hours ago I've decided to delete that particular blog for good. I don't know why I deleted it but I believe that the existence of that blog is too much for me. And I can't handle anything right now and I certainly can't handle the buzz and press about that blog. I've written that blog on 31st March 2009 ~ and I've always been a private person and I think the reason I deleted it solely because I'm afraid I've given that problem too much spotlights. Honestly, I'm scared of the unexpected outcomes.

It got me thinking that I need to solve this matter myself first. I do admit I haven't got over it but I will eventually. And in that moment of time I just want to keep it to myself and try to reason with everything though sometimes certain things can be quite unreasonable but it won't stop me from doing what I have to do with my life.

And I believe writing a blog about it won't solve the problem because I believe it only makes the problem even worse, making it a public consumption. And I'm so not ready for other people's questions and statements. It's not that I'm not grateful for people's opinions but for this particular case, I just need my own space and hopefully everyone can understand.

Though I have to admit that blog was quite shocking, even for me [I'm totally sorry for anyone who haven't read it ~ and I'm grateful for anyone who have read it]. This problem has become a little too much for me and has affected even my hedonist way of life and seeing that blog does hurt me a bit but I know I'll survive.

I'm listening to Lady GaGa's [Poker Face] because that song kinda puts me in ease and I totally can relate to its lyric.

PS: Damn!!... I forgot to save that blog before I deleted it ~

Stupid me =]